Worst movies of 2012... So far

5.) Dark Shadows

Yes, wandering aimlessly from one gothic set piece to another whilst cracking jokes (and I am using this word loosely) about Alice Cooper being a girl may look good on paper, seeing it on screen bored me to, well... death.





4.) John Carter

I have not been this bored during a two-and-a-half-hour long big-budget, sci-fi, (romance?), action movie since Avatar.




3.) Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

If a crazy-ass Nicholas Cage performance cannot save your movie from being one of the most BORING superhero (antihero?), action movies EVER, then you don't belong in Hollywood. Come to think of it, this is one of Cage's more laid back performances.



2.) Battleship

Never before have I wanted to leave a movie at FIVE different points (that's right, I counted). The only thing that kept me in my seat for the duration was hope that I would catch the fleeting glimpse of Liam Neeson's next screen appearance.



1.) The Devil Inside

Not scary. Barely captivating. Horribly written. Mediocre acting. And I'm pretty sure that every single person who saw this movie was disappointed by what was very possibly one of the worst endings in movie history. 




I look forward to the bashings I may receive from those readers who are convinced that John Carter is a good movie. Next week I will post my five favorite films of the year so far.

Sorry everybody!

It's been a while and I apologize to any of my frequent readers (if there are such things). I have been busy with life and have not been up to writing much in my down time (if there is such a thing anymore). However, I come bearing good news! June marks the middle of the year and I shall be bringing you my favs and disappointments so far this year.

Keep reading!

-Jordan

Review: The Grey

If you, good reader, intend on seeing John Carnahan's THE GREY, please do not go into it expecting non-stop, blood-pumping, man-fist-on-wolf-face action; otherwise, you will surely be disappointed. However, that is not to say that this movie isn't striking in other ways.

With THE GREY, Director John Carnahan has fashioned an beautiful, dark, profound man vs. nature vs. beast tale. Liam Neeson gives one of his most subtle performances as a sharp shooter hired to keep hungry wolves from attacking the workers at an Alaska oil refinery. He and a handful of the refinery's employees get stranded out in the middle of the Alaskan wilderness after one of the most intense plane crash scenes that I have seen in a long while.

Frightened and unacquainted with the wild, the guys seemingly become the main focus of a pack of wolves that may or may not be "passing through." Fortunately for them, Neeson is well versed in the way of the wolf because of his job as a sharp shooter and soon becomes their very own "alpha male." 

The similarities between the instinctive wolf pack and the raw nature of man is omnipresent and as the survivors press on, we get a little insight into who these guys are and what each of them are still fighting for. These are a couple of the many deep, poetic themes that Director John Carnahan puts upon and engages the audience with, taking this film far above any ordinary escapism.

To aid in taking this film above ordinary escapism is the talented cast who makes every line emotionally engaging: When they're laughing, we're laughing; when they're crying, we're crying, and so on. Combine this with Carnahan's ability to tell a story and the beautiful cinematography of it all and you get one of the most emotional and thought provoking films this year.

As for the ending: I know it has been getting a lot of heat from critics, but once I knew it was coming on, I could not pull my eyes away from the screen and I kept saying to myself "I hope it ends here; otherwise, where else would you end this film?" However, I have to admit that I am slightly disappointed with Carnahan's decision to add the last few seconds on after the credits. I think it ruins what the audience left to the imagination.

5 Word Review: Underworld Awakening

Kate's hot, the movie's not.

5 Word Review: Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

Extremely slow and incredibly pretentious.

Review: The Devil Inside

Last year's APOLLO 18 is a strong contender for worst horror movie of 2011 and quite possibly worst movie period. Straight out of the gate this year we get THE DEVIL INSIDE and already it seems to be vying for that same title.

With the exception of a few strong performances from co-stars Simon Quarterman and Evan Helmuth, and even the possessed mother Suzan Crowley, THE DEVIL INSIDE boasts some of the most unrealistic docu-acting in recent memory. Even the lead Fernanda Andrade struggled to convince me that this stuff was actually happening to her.

The not-so-strong acting did not contribute any to the fact that this movie is not the thought-provoking commentary on science and faith that it pretends to be. Though these filmmakers take a shot or two at the Holy C and some of their questionable methods dealing with exorcisms, they never delve down past the point of somebody pointing out that: "The Church isn't going to like this..."

But perhaps the most unforgivable sin committed by this movie by these filmmakers is substituting actual scare tactics for sick, twisted deaths involving drowning a baby during an baptism and a guy shooting himself in the mouth with a policeman's handgun. These filmmakers attempt to scare the audience by disturbing them, which would work if there was a healthy balance of actual jumpy scares.

THE DEVIL INSIDE definitely earns its R-rating: it's bloody, grizzly, and demented. With that said, this movie will also undoubtedly earn a spot on my list of the most boring, most unscary, most unnecessary movies of 2012.

My Favorite 2011 Films

It's been a while, but I'm back!

Don't worry, I've been just as busy as ever seeing movies (if not, more so)! And in the process I have seen some good movies and not so good movies. Let me take some time now to reflect on the past year in movies and give you a list of my 2011 favorites.

Don't worry, you won't be seeing anything too classy like Tree of Life of The Descendants in my list (mostly because I don't care to see them).


10. ) Rubber

No reason.



9.) Insidious

Enough with the torture porn! James Wan proves that you don't need to chop people up into kibbles'n bits in order to scare an audience these days.



8.) Contagion

This movie's sick. Ha-ha. No, but seriously, it's actually pretty good.



7.) Hanna

I'm a sucker for artsy flicks- especially the good ones.



6.) Our Idiot Brother

As funny as it is heartwarming. No humorous quip here.



5.) Moneyball

Yes it's a dialouge-driven, baseball movie centered around a team that never won the big prize or amounted to anything huge in the history of sports. It's also one of the best movies of the year.



4.) Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol

If you're going to put your life on the line and dangle from the world's tallest building for your movie, you'd probably want to be absolutely sure that your movie is going to be one of the best movies of the year.


3.) 50/50

The odds that this is one of the most enjoyable films of the year is more like 100%.


2.) The Muppets

That's right, a 'Muppets' movie.


1.) Drive

The only movie I loved more than The Muppets.



Honorable Mentions: Horrible Bosses, The Beaver, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt. II, Source Code