God-awful sequels I love to hate

In honor of this week's release of Taken 2, I am listing off some of my most hated sequels to have followed up a movie that I love.

Son of the Mask

I hate this movie so much, that I don't even care to post a picture of it on my blog.

Robocop 3

It's not even the real Murphy...

Jeepers Creepers 2

I tried to avoid putting horror movies on this list just because if I was going to name off all the horrible sequels I hate, then this list would have been a lot longer. Jeepers Creepers is special to me, however. The original is a creative mixed-bag monster flick and the Jeepers Creepers 2... isn't. 

Any JAWS sequel

Not that I have anything against green screen sharks, it's just that they were all SO bad that I couldn't pick just one of them (although Jaws 3D came close...)

Transformers 2 & 3

Those who know me know that I love the Transformers, have ever since I was a youngling. Those same people also know that I am a fan of Michael Bay's first Transformers movie; however, the last two are practically- scratch that- they ARE unwatchable.

The Dark Knight Rises

The Dark Knight is probably one of my favorite movies. It's just so sad that the conclusion of what could have been such a fantastic trilogy ended with such a cop out, among many other flaws.

Taken 2

My dog has made terds smarter than this movie... (review pending)

Favorite Pop Culture Villains

Popular culture is full of goodies and baddies that do battle in hopes of securing... well, whatever it is they hope to secure! You could read the AFI's Top 100 Villains or, instead, you can take a look at MY favorite villains!

Michael Myers

Let's pretend for a moment that John Carpenter's Halloween is the only Halloween that exists. Please, indulge me. What is more frightening than a psycho with a knife, a fancy for death, and absolutely no clear motive? Oh, I know! One who can't die! Michael's emotionless mask and enigmatic ways have earned him the nickname "The Shape" as well as a spot on my list of all time baddies.

Doctor Octavius (aka: Doctor Octopus, aka: Doc Oc)

Sam Raimi's take on the troubled mad scientist is somewhat sympathetic. Raimi does a nice job setting up Octavius as a kind-hearted, loving husband and friend dedicated to using his big brain to make the world a better place (after all, with great power comes great responsibility) and then yanking the plugs and destroying the very foundation that was Octavius' identity by killing off everything he ever loved. To make things worse, his very creation meant to do good has now poisoned his conscience and turned him into a global threat. Up to the tender moment of his demise, Octavius' character development (his dip into madness and then redemption) is a roller coaster of emotion that make you feel sorry for his fate (which was ultimately ending up on my list).   

Rorschach

Probably not the first person to jump into your mind when you're thinking about villains and Rorschach himself definitely does not think of himself as a villain; however, when you examine the characteristics of heroes and villains and the difference between what is right and what is wrong, there are a lot of grey areas and those are where Rorschach resides. Yes he is dedicated to helping mankind reach its full potential and cleansing the world of scum, but he also isn't afraid to take a life if you cross the line between good and bad- a line that he draws. For this reason, Rorschach is as much a threat to a serial killer as to a petty thief who steals in order to feed his family and this is exactly why Rorschach makes my list of favorite villains.

The Joker

If you're a New Millennial like I am, then the first thing that pops into your head when you hear the words: "The Joker" is Heath Ledger's lip licking, makeup sporting madman from Christopher Nolan's The Dark Knight (and if you're my parents' generation, then it's a Steve Miller song). Ledger's interpretation is without a doubt a fascinating one; however, I am thinking more along the lines of the original, more flamboyant, comic book-y Joker (with Mark Hamill's voice of course!). No known history and no clear motive to his evil doings other than "Because I can." The Joker represents extreme commitment to being one's self and challenging society's norms. There's something very chilling about this philosophy and it scares me so much that I feel that if I do not include The Joker in on this list, he will come find me. He just better hope that Rorschach doesn't get his hand on him.

Walter White

Heisenberg has definitely come a long way from cooking meth in his whitey tighties. Some may argue that Walter is just doing the wrong thing for the right reason; nevertheless, his descent into the Id over the course of the show is undeniable. However, the scariest part of his fall from grace is how realistic it is; Walt represents everyone's potential to do bad and that is why he is my favorite villain of popular culture.

Added 10/5/12

Owen Davian

Sure I saw this movie in theaters when I was just a youngling, but still to this day Seymour Hoffman's performance in Mission Impossible III still gives me the creeps.

'Recall' is a total letdown

"We can remember for you" promises the title of Philip K. Dick's short story on which this Total Recall movie (and the original) is based. My response? Please do! Because there isn't anything here that I WANT to recall.

What made the original Total Recall so great was its fleshed-out characters, over-the-top, gory action sequences, and the masterful way Paul Verhoeven made it all seamlessly come together. So, hollow out the characters (by A LOT), downgrade the action to PG-13 gunfire, and throw the story out the window and presto! You have Len Wiseman's unacceptably boring adaptation of Total Recall.

By now it's no secret: Arnold Schwarzenegger is not the greatest actor in the world, but on the big screen he was always so much fun to watch: the way he threw around the bad guys whilst spewing out those cheesy one-liners that we all love so much. However, with Colin Ferrell there is no tradeoff. He is just boring.

Ferrell brings absolutely NOTHING to the character of Douglas Quaid. He spends the entirety of the movie murmuring his half-hearted lines while continuing to be out preformed by the rest of the talented cast who, surprisingly, do not bring much more to their own characters.

As I mentioned earlier, the action was a key factor in the success of the original Total Recall. It was fun to watch Arnold wreak carnage upon everyone who got in his way. Sadly, Wiseman's idea of action is one dully choreographed chase sequence after another, each one lit up with special effects bullets and climaxing with some dramatic jump. By the end of it all, MY legs were hurting.

Where Verhoeven developed the story over the course of the movie, Wiseman wants to cut the bull and jump straight into the "action" (and I do use that term loosely).

We are given an uninspired metaphor for social separation and fifteen to twenty minutes of Ferrell moping around, blatantly questioning his existence and the routine of everyday life before he starts running around for the remainder of the film. Nothing is developed much beyond that and by the time it hits the "twist" towards the end, we are just supposed to believe that we just endured a psychological thriller. It's kind of insulting.

Why The Dark Knight Rises isn't "totally awesome!"

PLEASE NOTE THAT THERE ARE SPOILERS IN THIS REVIEW! IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THIS MOVIE, KEEP AWAY! THANKS!

I'm just going to come right out and say it. The Dark Knight Rises is a letdown of epic proportions. Not surprising, seeing that it was handed the task of following up what is largely considered the greatest superhero movie ever made. Still, that is no excuse for how unfocused and, dare I say: boring, Christopher Nolan's last installment to his Dark Knight trilogy is. 

I'm sorry, what did you say?

Let me start with the basic auditory problems of this film (you know where I'm going with this!). Since the release of Batman Begins back in 2005, our hero's voice has been the subject of both scrutiny and comedy. So it's only fitting that, to round out the franchise, the villain's voice is just as awkward and hard to understand. Fitting, yes. Practical, no. Now I'm not saying that Bane's voice is inaudible, but at times I missed serious lines of dialogue and found myself keeping on track only by thinking: "What did he just say exactly? Oh, whatever! He's doing something bad!"

Supernova performances 

Perhaps the greatest part about The Dark Knight was Heath Ledger's performance as the Joker. Every time he was on it, he owned that screen! What 'Rises' lacks is a standout performance like this.Sure Michael Cane and Morgan Freeman are great in their roles as usual, but they are horribly misused and do not get much screen time, even combined. Both Ann Hathaway and Tom Hardy, though welcomed additions to Batman's Nolan-verse, do little to evoke the kind of emotional response that Ledger earned.

Upsetting the established order

What Nolan did so well with the past two Batman movies was bring everything down to Earth and make it feel grounded (no Lazarus pit for this Ra's). With 'Rises' it seems as if all of that was thrown out the window: nobody seemed to age over the course of eight years, Bane still had unexplained supernatural strength, and apparently Bruce Wayne lost all of the cartilage in his leg but that's okay because he has a clamp that makes it function normally.

More than we could chew

The past couple of Batman movies had some things to say and they said those things fairly well. However, this new installment seems to be going for so much all at once and it becomes difficult to follow. Sure, they will bring something up, but then never go into much more detail. I.e. what was that guy in the pit saying to Bruce Wayne about conquering fear of death in order to jump the ledge? That does not even make much sense seeing is how SPOILER Batman doesn't die in the end. 

Die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain 

If you've read this far then it probably already know that Batman lives. What a cop out! Bruce Wayne cannot take a vacation from being Batman, let alone a permanent one. If he is chilling on the beach with Selina and hears about another siege on Gotham, he is going to spring into action. It's who he is. Besides, didn't we just see a rich guy in a super suit carry a nuclear bomb away from a highly populated, New York-esque city not too long ago (see The Avengers movie for more details)?

Well there you have it. Just a few minor complaints I have for Christopher Nolan. I know, I know, I am in the minority, but dangit! The Dark Knight deserved a better sendoff than this. 

Why Batman has to die in 'Rises'

There is a lot of anticipation for Christopher Nolan's last chapter in his 'Dark Knight' trilogy, and along with that anticipation comes a decent amount speculation as to the fate of the world's greatest detective.

SPOILER ALERT! HE IS GOING TO DIE!

 And here is why:

Reason #1

Take a good look at the poster. It reads: "The Legend Ends." That's right, ENDS; as in, it's over, concluded, there is no coming back from this.

Now, I don't want you to think that I am basing all of this off of the unusually detailed, slightly depressing poster alone(do I smell foreshadowing, anyone?). No. I am basing this off of Nolan's history with the franchise. He is clearly doing his own thing with the source material and has no intentions of dragging it out any further. Ergo: it truly must be an ENDing and there is no greater ending than... well, death.

Reason #2

Christopher Nolan is a filmmaker who is obviously obsessed with giving his audience something that they have never seen before; he wants to give us something memorable. However, people have seen Batman on the big screen before, so Nolan has the seemingly impossible task of making his own take on the iconic hero stand out amongst all others (here's hoping that nippley armor is not involved). So how do you make your Batman movie stand out?

For one: in any iconic, linear, motion-picture trilogy things always get darkest just as the second movie ends and the last movie begins. From there, you as a filmmaker can take your story one of two ways: things get better or things get even darker. Now it may be a sad truth, but people always tend to remember the darker things better.

Example: When you and your friend are riding your bikes down the street and you pass the tree where the firefighter safely retrieved Ms. Jenkins' cat only to have it jump out of her arms minutes later and run into the street where it gets struck by a car, the conversation never goes:

     "Hey! Remember that time the firefighter saved Mrs. Jenkins' cat?"
     "Yeah! That was awesome!"

It always goes:

     "Hey! Remember that time when old lady Jenkins' cat got run over by that car?"
     "Yeah! That was... pretty terrible..."

And every time the courageous act of retrieving the cat will only be brought up as a side note after the cat's death has already been mentioned.  

Or two: You go all the way and kill off the bat. It's never been done before (on screen at least) and it's definitely going to stick with people (for better or for worse).

Reason #3

What I like most about Nolan's Batman movies is that he is obviously focusing more on what it truly means to be a hero and the harsh (as well as the rewarding) consequences that come along with making such a sacrifice. The ending of 'Dark Knight' is a perfect example of this. Batman takes the blame for Harvey Dent's death (as well as the deaths of the cops that Dent killed) in order to maintain Gotham's faith in "real heroes." So how do you top declaring yourself a homicidal, masked vigilante with a taste for popular political figures and policemen in order to protect society from itself?

Well, in one of the newer trailers for 'Rises', Catwoman tells Batman that he has given everything for the people of Gotham. Batman simply replies: "Not everything. Not yet" (do I smell foreshadowing, anyone?). What more could this committed hero possibly have left to offer?

Given the fact that this is Nolan's last installment and that the sequel laws of film demand that Nolan top the ending of "The Dark Knight", as well as all the allusions to a dark yet satisfying curtain call, it can safely be concluded that the only thing the caped crusader has left to offer the Gothamites is his life and in today's society, there is no greater sacrifice than the giving of one's life in order to protect.

Batman is all about making those sacrifices and doing whatever necessary in order to maintain peoples' faith in themselves as well as in humanity and sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded.

These are the questions: Prometheus

Were you confused after the end credits hit from Prometheus? Don't worry, you're not alone. Ponder with me, if you will, a handful of the questions that would have cleared a few things up had the writers deemed them important enough to answer.

1.) [Watching beginning credits] Is this planet supposed to be Earth?

2.) [As spaceship leaves Engineer on unspecified planet] Who's spaceship is that?
3.) How does that black goo work exactly?
          - How can you "engineer" life if it has to go through seven different hosts?
4.) What did David say to the Engineer whilst speaking their language?
5.) If the Engineers' DNA is a 100% match to humans, why don't we look exactly alike?
6.) Also, how do you, a scientist, safely conclude that these "Engineers" are our creators based solely  on a DNA match?
7.) Did the Engineers design their hologram recordings to conveniently appear as plot segways?
8.) How is Shaw surviving being thrown around by the Engineer while being held together by stitches?
9.) What's that giant head supposed to be?
10.) Why is there a seemingly random picture of a xenomorph on the wall?
11.) Why does Captain Janek suddenly know that this moon is a military instillation?
          - And why didn't he let everybody know sooner?
12.) Why is Shaw with Holloway? He kinda seems like a dick.
13.) Who's really in charge around here: Janek or Vickers?
14.) So, those worms aren't important? 
15.) If Weyland dies next to David, where is his body in later shots of David?

If you have other questions, feel free to post them below. Likewise, if I come up with any more, I will post them above. Also, if you have answers to any of these questions, please let me know!

5 favs of 2012... so far

5.) Prometheus

The sole fact that I do have a love-hate relationship with this film, is enough to earn it a spot in my top five favorite movies this year.

4.) Jeff Who Lives at Home

The Duplass brothers discover that they do not have to make a movie totally depressing in order to make the audience feel things.

3.) The Avengers

You know your list is tight when The Avengers is only NUMBER THREE on your list of favorite movies this year.

2.) The Cabin in the Woods

There was a period of time where, after seeing this movie, I had lost interest in watching any other movies.

1.) The Grey

Sure it wasn't anything that I was expecting it to be, yet I was able to walk out of the theater totally entranced by what I had just experienced- kinda like an Oliver Stone movie, only without all the sex and drugs.